Hijinks's Shenanigans

You always wanted that? Too bad!

2008-11-25T12:22:00.001-08:00

I've loved horses all my life. When I was a child, I had horse figurines, Barbie horses, and so on. As a teen, I collected Breyer model horses; I showed them in "photo shows" (which were a lot more of a pain in the ass when you had to take the pictures with film and hope that they will come out right, instead of with a digital camera); I took them to live shows; I "bred" them with other horses; I "raced" them through the mail. I was really into it.

When I was 10 or so, my sister and I started going to horse camp. Basically, you stayed at the camp for a week, and were assigned a horse to take care of. We did the feeding, grooming, tack maintenance, etc. We took riding lessons and went on trail rides. At the end of the week, we participated in a horse show and took home ribbons, etc. I loved every minute of it.

My parents divorced when I was 15, and then there was no more money for horse camp. I got to take riding lessons for a year or two, and then my mom put the kibosh on it. No money. I lived in Northern Virginia, so there weren't a lot of horse farms around.

The last time I was actually on a horse was in 1999; I took a "trail riding" class at the community college where I was finishing up an AA degree. Even though we were just riding around the campus, I still loved it. I love anything and everything to do with horses. I love the smell of a barn, or a tack room. I even love horse shit. Seriously. I've been covered in horse shit and laughing my fool head off.

After that one class, I sadly acknowledged the fact that I would never again be able to ride a horse. I just didn't know anyone who owned horses. Even though I live in Iowa, I just don't have any access to horses. I met my husband, who has a friend who owns lots of horses, but that friend won't let me ride. He insists it's not because of my weight, but I suspect it is. I also have a coworker who has horses, who said she'd let me ride, but she and I don't always get along, and I don't want to suck up to her, just to be able to ride a horse.

So I had accepted that I wouldn't be around horses ever again.

This past summer, I was looking for a volunteer organization to join. I stumbled across Miracles in Motion on the internet and was enthralled. They have horses! And they teach disabled kids to ride the horses! And they let you volunteer to work with the horses! Where do I sign up!

In September, I started volunteering with them. Basically, I go in after work, groom and tack up a horse, and lead the horse in two classes for kids who are riding. I love it! It's so much fun. I get filthy, but it's horse filth so it's A-Ok! (I think my husband was a little shocked, the first time I came home covered in horse shit - I don't think he'd ever seen me with so much as a little mud on my shoe.)

I swear on all that is holy that I didn't join the group with the intent on being able to ride the horses. In all honesty, I just love the leading of the horses, the grooming, the tacking up, etc. Riding would be the icing on an already yummy cake. I didn't expect that they would let the volunteers ride. However, when I signed up, they gave me a rules handbook. In the handbook, it said that volunteers are allowed to join an exercise committee, where they can ride the horses in the off-season.

I was so excited! Then I read the part about there being a 200 pound weight limit, and my heart sank. I'm 240 pounds; I had a baby in January, and the last time I was below 200 pounds was when I was 18. So, I was sad, but I understood.

Then I was talking to one of the other volunteers, and she told me that there are some larger, more sturdy horses at the farm, and perhaps they would be willing to let me ride one of those. I shouldn't have listened; I just got my hopes up.

I asked the instructor via email if it would be possible, and didn't hear back for a couple of weeks. I tried to be patient, but the session was coming to an end and I wanted to know if I'd be able to come back before the spring. Finally, I asked her at the last session; she said she would talk to the farm owner and get back to me.

A month later, I still hadn't heard anything from her. I still had hope that I'd be able to ride.

The girl who lives on the farm and maintains the property created a Facebook group for MiM. I joined it and saw that she had posted about trail rides starting up. Trail rides are my utmost favorite thing in the whole wide world, so I asked her about me being possibly able to ride.

She responded that I had to take the exercise rider test. That got my hopes up even higher. I said, yes I knew that, but I wasn't sure if I would be allowed to take the test, being over the weight limit.

She answered that no, I can't ride. Period.

I mean, I knew that it was a slim chance (pun intended), but it hurt. You know? I mean, horseback riding is excellent exercise, and exercise is what I need to lose weight. It's very ironic - I need exercise in order to lose weight to be able to exercise. I'm ashamed to admit that tears were shed last night - I was just so frustrated!

I completely understand that they have to have their horses' health at the highest priority, not one volunteer's desire to ride. But dammit - I've ridden before when I was over 200 pounds. It just doesn't seem fair. *whine whine*

So I will go to the farm and help groom and tack up the horses for the trail rides, and I will stand there and watch them ride off and have fun. And I'll go for walks on my lunch breaks at work and try to cut back on the carbs and try to lose some weight. Maybe in a couple of years I'll be able to ride.

Of course, watch after all that, they'll lower the limit to 150 pounds or something.

Man, being fat is never a positive attribute, is it.

Ungrateful Brats

2008-10-15T12:45:00.000-07:00

[rant on]

So I joined a new forum where women talk about TTC, pregnancy, kids, etc.

There's a "siggy" forum where those of us who are relatively good at Photoshop make free signatures for others to use on the forum.

Last weekend, I went into the request forum and saw several posts from women who wanted sigs. They put "FFA" which means "free for all," i.e. anyone who wants to do it can do so.

I was bored, so I made sigs for all three women.

Out of those three...

One of them said a lackluster "thanks" and didn't use the sig. Someone else made her one too (although I'd posted that I was attempting the sig already), and everyone gushed over hers.

One of them never responded to my posting of her finished sig. Guess she didn't like it.

One of them said "Thanks but I wanted it like this XXX" (not that she mentioned that in her request thread, mind you). Then ANOTHER siggy maker jumped onto my thread and posted a remade one, which the original requester loved and put in her signature immediately.

WTF?

When did people become such ungrateful bitches?

If you want it a certain way, here's a thought: ASK FOR IT THAT WAY. Don't say "I'd like a sig please" and then not give ANY DIRECTION WHATSOEVER. Fucking cow.

And another thing. If someone says they're going to work on a sig, I'll step back and let them do it. Even if the person doesn't like the finished product, I'd still let the original person fix it or try again. I wouldn't just jump in and do it. What the fuck is up with that?? If I did that, if the person liked mine over the other person's, it could cause the other person to feel just as crappy as I do right now. Why would I do that to someone? Just because it's the internet, doesn't mean people don't have feelings.

Fuckin' selfish ungrateful bitches.

[end rant]

Long weekend

2008-08-11T07:26:00.000-07:00

These days, I don't look forward to the weekends like most other people; I look forward to the work week. Why? Because I get time to myself without the constant "I need," "I want," and "Give me..."

Let's see, this past weekend, DH did the following: cooked 1 dinner; mowed the lawn; fed the baby one bottle; changed one diaper; did 3 loads of laundry (and that does not include putting the clothes away; he leaves that for me to do).

Here's what I did: planned the coming week's meals and did the grocery shopping, carrying a 20 lb infant in a carrier; pumped 8x for the baby's bottles; fed the baby about 10 bottles; fed the baby 5 servings of solids; made fresh papaya baby food; made lunch once; cooked dinner once; gave the baby a bath; took the baby on a long walk to the park and the petting zoo; did a load of dishes; cleaned the kitchen; changed all diapers but one.

So at the half-price bookstore on Saturday, I picked up a new game. I don't get to game very often, mostly because I don't have a lot of time. Yesterday, I installed the game. It's a Sims-type game, pretty fun. Yesterday evening, all I wanted was a little time to myself to play a game and veg out. DH didn't even take care of the baby for an hour before he was asking me to come out and help. I took care of the baby all day every day except for that one hour.

So then I finally got the baby to bed at 8, and sat down at the computer. I wanted to play for 2 hours and then go to bed. At 9, I hooked up my pump and was happily playing away. Then DH comes in and says, "I'm going to go lie down, when you're done can you come give me a backrub?" Now, granted, I had offered to give him a backrub a couple of days previously and then he kept forgetting to remind me to do it before I got into bed. But, last night, he meant that when I was done PUMPING, he wanted me to come give him a backrub. So basically after the long-ass day that I'd had, I had to cut my playtime short in order to give him a backrub.

I let him play on the computer all he wants. I don't get that opportunity hardly ever. He thinks that I sit around all day at home doing nothing. I'm WORKING. Yes, I sometimes take a nap on my lunch break. But I'm doing my job. I'm not just playing video games all day. I don't have time to do it. He gets home from work and gets on the computer. I go get the baby at 5 and spend the evening playing with him, feeding him, bathing him, etc. I'm lucky if DH will hold the baby while I'm fixing dinner.

I'm just frustrated at the inequality in our roles at the moment. I know that he grew up with a mom who did all of the housework and child-rearing, while his dad earned the money and then came home and sat around and read the paper. But he knows that I'm not that way, and that I expect help around the house. But I don't get it. If I want the living room cleaned, I do it all and then he vacuums. Is that fair? No. Two hours of work for me = 20 minutes for him.

Argh! I'm just annoyed.

Then when I was trying to get finished up and give him his stupid backrub, I went from the computer room to the kitchen to rinse my pumping gear, and stepped in cat vomit. And THEN I saw that he'd left the meat loaf I'd made just sitting in the crock pot. Hello? You can't put that in the fridge? So I had to do that, clear out the fridge shelf to put the crock on. Then I went into the bedroom and he was laying down waiting for the backrub, and I couldn't find the blue massager that we use, and I was getting mad and frustrated. THEN he started with the "you know what, just forget it." WHATEVER!! F.U.C.K!!!

*I* don't get backrubs. I throw my back out on a regular basis getting the baby in and out of our low-ass car, because he won't let me go get a minivan. We can afford it, but no. So I just suffer with my aches and pains while he complains about his and gets backrubs.

I'm just annoyed and I'll get over it. I think I'm PMS'ing.

I weep on behalf of retail workers everywhere...

2008-07-31T05:43:00.000-07:00

I just watched a segment on "Good Morning America." This woman went around to various department stores and asked for coupons, discounts, and better deals on various items.

At the end, she said "it pays...to have the guts to just ask for it."

Argh!!!

Here's the problem, lady. 50% of the people watching that segment will not go into a store and try to haggle a price nicely and saying "please" and "thank you." They're going to go in and start demanding free shit. We're going to start seeing a slew of posts in customers_suck about demanding customers coming in and bitching about not having a coupon, etc.

Also, she said that "getting to a manager is key." So now there's going to be all of these people going into stores and demanding a manager right away. If the poor associates try to ask why or what might be wrong (as they're probably trained to do), they're going to get bitched at for THAT.

She did say at the end of her segment that she was always polite and never nasty, but that part's not going to get through.

To all retail workers everywhere - I'm sorry. If I don't want to pay the sticker price for something, I just won't buy it. I commit here and now that I will never ask for someone to give me a coupon, or a discount. If I want a coupon, I can take my happy ass home and look in the paper. If I want a discount, I'll wait until there's a sale.

It's degrading for people to attack retail workers and demand free shit or discounts. It's also putting the manager in a bad position, because he/she wants to keep customers and not have any complaints lodged (because you KNOW these people would send a complaint if the store didn't give them a discount like the lady on "Good Morning America" said they would!).

Sit DOWN, GMA!

I don't get it.

2008-07-26T17:16:00.001-07:00

So I decided to pick up this book "Twilight" that everyone's talking about.

I don't get it.

I'm the first to sit down and enjoy a good bit of vampire por... eh, literature. Gimme all of the bloodsucking smut and bodice-ripping immortal goodness. Really. But this book? None of those things.

First of all, Bella is a wimp. There, I said it. Half the book she's begging Edward not to leave her. Bwuh? I mean, I've been in the position to beg a guy not to leave, and I've done it with no shame (until the margarita-soaked evening later in the week, anyway), but a woman begging a man to leave isn't romantic. It's sad and pathetic. Yes, I know I just called myself sad and pathetic, but at least I own up to my sadness and patheticness and I don't call it romantic.

Secondly, I don't believe for a second that this girl is so beautiful, yet doesn't know it. She scampers into town, and suddenly she's got four boys panting after her? I say again, bwuh? And yet she thinks she's funny-looking and pale and ugly. What the fuck ever. Oh, and she's soooo clumsy and it's soooo embarrassing. Give me an everlovin' break. That doesn't endear her to me. It just makes me roll my eyes when she trips on air and collapses and needs Edward to come rescue her.

Is the rest of the series like this? Because I bought the second book, expecting of course the deliciousness that is vampire por... eh, literature ... and I dunno if I even want to bother reading it now.

If he had vamped her, well now that's a different story. Steamy vampire naked sexy goodness = teh win. But these two can't even do it. So is it three books full of wanton lusty looks and her hiding her face with her hair and his cold "sparkling" skin and no nooky whatsoever?

Why are people losing their shit over these books? Someone please explain it to me.

I can has hug?

2008-05-15T14:01:00.000-07:00

Last week:

* Got yelled at by a coworker and now half the team isn't speaking to me. Manager worthless.
* My dad told me that he had tumors taken off and biopsied and they're full of his leukemia, so he has to go back to chemo. My poor daddy. He gets so small and frail when he's on chemo and.. well .. he's my daddy.
* Thursday DS started coughing. DH stayed home with him, took him to dr. Dr said it was just a cold.
* Saturday DS was miserable and screaming all day.
* Sunday - my first Mother's Day - DS was miserable and screaming again. *I* took him to the emergency clinic and spent several hours waiting. Dr told me it was a sinus infection and prescribed antibiotics. Our heathen cat takes medicine better than this baby.
* also Sunday - also on Mother's Day - I got a fever and was alternating chills and sweats. DH did not help me with sick baby. Inlaws postponed the MD celebration until this coming weekend.

This week:
* Monday - could not call in sick. Manager wouldn't let me. Too much to do. Very sick - feverish, bad cough.
* Tuesday - had to go in in the morning and work, but left after 3 hours to go to the dr. Manager told me that I can't be sick the rest of the week because I HAD to train with a lady whose last day is Friday. As if my being sick is something I could help.
* Still Tuesday - went to the emergency clinic, was planning on going home to sleep after that. An elderly woman in the waiting room had a heart attack and died. It was so sad. She'd been having chest pains in the morning but wanted to go to her granddaughter's birthday party.
* I have a sinus infection and have had it for a month, apparently. Finally got antibiotics for myself. Went home and napped for a short time (was at dr's for hours due to above, which absolutely could not be helped). DH came home, would not help me with sick baby.
* Wednesday, worked, very sick still. Had to wear a face mask because coworker training me didn't want to get sick as her son is getting married in 2 weeks (and I don't blame her a bit, but manager would not let me stay home).
* Wednesday night - DH had buddies over, would not cancel so he could help me with the baby. At least the baby is feeling better. I am not.
* Today - Sick as a dog. Have had 2 bouts of coughing that I didn't know if I'd recover. Chest is very painful. Finally went home (coworker is covering for me with manager).
* Also today - DH was informed that he's being laid off in November. He earns twice as much as I do.

I can has hug now?

Our Mother's Day

2008-05-12T09:23:00.000-07:00

What a weekend!

My first Mother's Day ever was ... interesting ...

It began on Friday when I picked Ian up at day care. Abby, our day care lady, had the kids make cute little flower bouquets for their mommies, complete with handprints. So sweet!

When I got home, I took Ian's picture with it:

Then, I was distracted and turned away for a second. The following ensued:

My son.

(Ian would like to interject at this point that "Momz is all wiggin' 'bout the flowers, yo. She so crazy.")

Then on Saturday, Ian woke up very cranky. He was coughing and snotting all over the place. By Sunday, he was miserable. He couldn't keep anything down. When he woke up, I got 5 oz into him. Then I got 5 oz over ME when he puked it all up. I then got another couple of oz into him, only to wind up wearing that as well (after my shower, of course - before my shower would be too easy!) Mmm, baby puke is so warm and runny.

We hemmed and hawed and looked in horror at the rectal thermometer, and tried to take his temperature underneath his arm and call it good. Then we called the pediatrician and they laughed at the n00b parents. They said, "No, seriously - rectal." We cringed and cried and finally did it. 101.4. Erm, yay.

I then spent a couple of hours of my Mother's Day in the waiting room of the Emergency Care clinic, trying desperately to appease a sick baby who wanted to eat and didn't understand what "no, you'll puke on me" meant.

The doctor (when we finally got in to see her) said that he has a sinus infection. Which is great - it means it's not something more serious. She gave us a prescription for antibiotics, so he's been taking those since about 2 pm on Sunday.

His fever broke around 8 last night, and we finally got him to bed.

Unfortunately for me, I came down with a fever as well yesterday. So in addition to watching a sick baby, I got to be sick myself. Joy!

I'm feeling a little bit better today, but not 100%. My fever must have broken during the night. I'm sure the Nyquil helped with that a bit. Sadly, I couldn't take the day off of work due to obligations. Trust me, I would have dearly loved to have stayed home and slept!

We're going to celebrate Mother's Day next Sunday instead.

And since this is my personal blog and my husband doesn't read it (I don't think) - can I just bitch about something for a minute?? When I went to take Ian to the doctor's, DH was all "if there's a prescription to pick up, just let me know and when you get back, I'll go get it." Then I got back - tired, hot, sweaty - and he was "cleaning" the living room. I say "cleaning" because his idea of cleaning is to pile everything on the coffee table, vacuum, and call it good - the pile of junk remaining on the coffee table to mock me.

Anyway, he said, "Is there a prescription?" I said "yup." He said, "Can you go get or do I have to...?" *sigh* Whatever, dear, I will go get the damn prescription.

So then I was feeling like shit, and I passed out on the couch. I woke up to a screaming baby and a screaming husband: "Can you WAKE UP and TAKE CARE OF HIM so I can get something to eat?!?!?!" Um, wha? Buh? Obviously, I'm not feeling well if I can sleep through the screams. Maybe just ignore it and make your stupid macaroni and cheese, and leave me out of it? But no. I had to get up and take care of the kid, even though *I* was the one to take him to the doctor, and *I* was the one who felt like crap. Happy Mother's Day, indeedy.

This sucks.

2008-05-07T08:38:00.000-07:00

Life is really stinkin' right now.

I used to work at ABC company. There, they value personality and cheerfulness above all other things, including efficiency and competency. Being a shy, introverted person, I was talked to many times about being "unfriendly" and "unapproachable." Even though I had the best stats in the group, I was told to "fake being perky" or be written up. I put in my notice the day I was told that; after four years of being beaten down and told that I wasn't smiling enough and that people were complaining about me not saying hi in the hallways (to me, a nod and smile is enough, one shouldn't have to verbalize a "hello" to be friendly), I decided that enough was enough.

I was off of work for about a month and then was offered my current position. Ironically, we'd been trying to get pregnant for 6 months, and the minute I quit that awful job, my stress went way down and we got pregnant that month. Coincidence? Possibly. But my stress level probably had something to do with it.

So I started this job. It went great for the first 10 months. I went into it trying to be smiley and friendly and cheerful all the time. Everyone else was NOT so much - they vented, they bitched, they complained, whatever. It was more of what I thought an employer should be. You should be able to vent and then you're fine and you go back to whatever you were doing. As long as you're not screaming or cursing, it's fine with me. I began to let my guard down, but I have still strived the entire time I've been in this job to be upbeat and positive and friendly.

My employer went through a bankruptcy and then rehired 6 of us. I share an office with one other person. She, apparently, can vent all she wants ("I hate my job!" and "I'm going to throw this computer across the room!"), but if I say something even remotely negative, my manager calls me the next day and says "Did you say this?" Everything I say, she goes running to the manager and telling her that I'm being "negative."

Ok. So I've learned my lesson and I shalt not be verbalizing in the workplace unless it is work related and has nothing negative in it whatsoever.

It still burns my ass, though, that she's allowed to vent all she wants and it's apparently fine. I told my manager last night on the phone, that this person vents all the time also, so it's hypocritical of her to complain about me. Her venting is MUCH worse than mine. Mine, for example from yesterday, was "The client got this to me late, I'll do what I can, if it doesn't get done by the deadline, not my problem." Yeah, that's on a par with "I hate my job!" and "I'm going to throw this computer across the room!" Oooookay.

I'm going to start opening a new blank email to send to myself at home every day. Every day, I'll write in the email everything that she says that's venting or negative, and I'll email it to myself at the end of the day. That way, I have word for word descriptions of what she's been saying, should my manager ever ask me. I don't intend to go to my manager with this shit, it's just something that I'm doing to try to save my own sanity. I doubt I'll ever use it.

I don't know what else to do.

I'm trying to deal with being a new mom and working full-time. My DH and I carpool; we work in the same building. If I have work that has to be done past 5, my DH expects me to bring it home and do it from home, so I can go into the day care to get the kid. Yesterday, I asked him to go get our son and come back to get me and he said, "no." This caused a huge fight with a coworker when I had to leave at 5, and she was screaming at me that she has a family too, and she's covering my ass, etc. It wasn't anything that had to be done, either, but my manager ordered me to delegate it to her. It was a really sucky situation.

Of course, my DH apologized that night for not going to get the baby, because if I'd been able to stay late, the fight would never have happened. Whatever. Too late now.

So now I work with three people who think I'm going to foist my work off on them every chance I get (which I do NOT want to do and will never do again, even if my manager orders me to), and they're all mad and holding grudges. So I have no friends and no one to talk to at work.

Last night I bawled in the shower and thought about going back on the Zoloft. Then I had a fleeting thought: "just take the whole bottle." Which scared the piss out of me and so I definitely started taking the Zoloft (but just the prescribed dose). I am not handling things well and I don't know if I need to talk to a counselor or what.

I don't feel well, probably from the Zoloft; I haven't had much to eat. I was too upset to eat last night. I don't know what to do.

Nightmares and Dreamscapes

2008-05-02T07:40:00.000-07:00

I was in two major relationships in my life, before meeting my husband. Both times, I thought I desperately loved the man, and then he cheated on me and left me for the other woman. Both times, he married that other woman and had children with her. Very devastating.

So perhaps I have a hangup about being cheated on. My parents' marriage was broken up by infidelity. However, I trust my husband 110% - I know he would die to protect my son or I, and I have no doubt in my mind that he would never, ever betray me with another woman.

So why do I keep having these nightmares?

Last night, I had the same recurring nightmare. In the dream, I'd only been married to my husband for a few months, but we had our son already. My husband revealed to me (in the dream, of course) that he had been cheating on me the entire time, and showed me emails from another girl. Sometimes in the dream, I said I was leaving and taking our son with me. Other times, I begged him to stay and work it out, and he said he would stay, but that he would continue to see the other girl(s).

I'd wake up from the nightmare, all but crying, anguished, terror-stricken, to see my husband sleeping peacefully beside me, where he always is. I'd force myself to go back to sleep, only to get sucked back into the dream.

Why? Why am I dreaming like this? A friend of ours is currently going through a situation with her husband, having found out he was cheating. Is that why? Is it hormones, with the PP Hypothyroidism and a touch of PPD? What?

I only know that I hate it, and I haven't gotten a full night's sleep in weeks. I'm exhausted and sad all the time. My husband doesn't know what to do. I couldn't tell him what my nightmare was about - it would make him feel bad, like I didn't trust him, but I DO. I love my husband with all of my heart - he is my love, my life, my best friend, the father of my son.

I don't know what to do or how to make these awful thoughts go away.

Health update

2008-04-30T10:42:00.000-07:00

So my OB prescribed Zoloft for PPD. Yay, right? I was finally going to get some assistance for feeling so sad and tired and down all the time. That same day, she drew some blood to check my thyroid. I've been diagnosed hypothyroid since Jan 06 but have been on medication to control it since then.

So normal range for thyroid hormones is .03 to 3; mine was 9.67. Three times the normal range. No wonder I've been so frickin' tired all the time!

On Friday last week, they doubled my levothyroxine (medication) and it's supposed to help. Unfortunately, it takes about 2 weeks for it to kick in. In the meantime, I'm stuck with the exhaustion - so deep it's like my bones ache.

Last night, all I wanted was to watch American Idol and go to bed. So we get home and DH is like, "what's for dinner?" Well I don't know, dear - what are you making? But no. I made some southwestern ranch chicken and rice. Had to go pump for the baby - that's another thing, my supply is dwindling and I'm depressed about that. I have to drink caffeinated beverages to keep from falling asleep at work, which isn't good for my milk supply - I should be drinking water. I'm dehydrated which makes me more tired and ... it's a stupid neverending cycle these days.

So I had to pump for the baby. And then I finally got to sit down with Ian for some cuddles. And then I had to sit there for 2 hours with Ian scratching and clawing and scraping my chest bloody - I don't know what it is with that kid, but for some reason he's all grabby and claw-y on me. I keep his nails as short as I can, but my chest is covered in scratches. And of course DH won't take him from me - I have to tell him to take the baby.

So the baby is clawing me and he won't eat, and I'm trying to get him to take powdered formula because it's cheaper, but he kept spitting it out, and I was finally like, "Ian STOP!" Then DH yelled at me for yelling at Ian, because he's just a baby. Well, I KNOW that, darling mine, but I have lost patience with the baby and I am going through this emotional problem and I'm so tired I could just melt into a puddle, so why don't you DO SOMETHING???

Then the kid pooped all over me and I had to go change him and then take a shower myself. DH finally took him so I could shower. Gee, thanks honey. He put him to bed and I was able to rest for a few minutes. Then I had to pump again before bed and finally got in bed.

Woke up this morning to do it all over again. And tonight is D&D night, so there won't be any respite from the baby for me. DH will eat dinner and then flee downstairs with his buddies. Joy. It'd never occur to him to let me go take a nap after work, and him watch the child. Oh no.

I love my son - I would give my life for him. But this is really hard with the tiredness. I need these pills to kick in and quickly. I need the nightmares of blood and death and dead babies to stop. I need to get more than 8 hours in a row, but I can't with having to pump. It's just all horrible and awful and a big ball of suck.

Is this person a friend?

2008-04-30T10:16:00.000-07:00

A thread on EHell got me to thinking about this. I'm curious to know what others thing about the situation. This will get long, which is why I didn't put it in an EHell thread of its own.

I met my DH in 2004 and we live in town A. He told me about his "best friend" Steve who lives in town B, which is 2 hours away. I didn't meet Steve until shortly before our wedding in 2006. DH and Steve haven't hung out much in the past few years because of the distance, however DH says that Steve is his best friend because even if years have gone by, if they meet up, they fall right back into being close friends.

Steve is married to Laura. Laura is one of those brash, abrasive, loud-laughing, trashy people who are just shy of living in a trailer and watching Jerry Springer all day. She likes to drink and party a lot. Now, there was a time when I liked to drink and party a lot, as well, but that was a long time ago. I'm now 33 and haven't been that person since I was about 22. Laura is 30 and still partying strong.

Steve and Laura have two little girls that I like a lot and that like me. I like Steve a lot also; he seems intelligent and genuinely nice. When I met the family, they seemed nice and friendly towards me. We started to hang out a bit together whenever DH and I were in town B preparing for the wedding, and I thought, great, I have some new friends!

My DH also has a friend named Ken. Ken lives near Steve and they hang out all the time. Ken got a girlfriend named Susie. Susie is like Laura - abrasive, hard-drinking, fun-loving, etc. In April of 2007, when DH and I went to visit them, I met Susie and could see that her and Laura had become good friends. Great, more power to 'em. As we hung out, I could tell that Susie thought I was a stick in the mud. I'd just conceived my son so wasn't drinking, although we weren't telling anyone at that point. I tried to be friendly and happy and outgoing, but because I wasn't drinking, she didn't like me. Or she's just one of those people who's turned off by my personality (it happens to me quite a bit, there doesn't seem to be much I can do about it). Ah well, c'est la vie - I didn't care much for Susie, either.

Last June, Steve and Laura and Ken and Susie went to Vegas. When we heard about it, DH decided he wanted to go too. So we made plans to go the same weekend and stay at the same hotel. I was about 8 weeks pregnant. I know I wasn't much fun to be around - couldn't drink, couldn't stay in smoky casinos, couldn't do much walking, tired all the time. I get that, I do. But Laura and Susie seemed to go out of their way to exclude me. They went to see the Chippendales, and I would have really liked to go along. They came back all proudly displaying the pictures they'd had taken with the men, almost rubbing it in my face that they went without me. Susie always dragged Laura off on their own, and I spent all of my time with DH. Steve and Ken went off together without DH a lot also; I assume they knew he'd want to stay with me because I was alone and pregnant.

In short, I didn't have much of a good time and decided I really didn't like Susie. However, since Steve was a good friend of DH's, I wanted to keep a cordial and friendly relationship going with Laura.

In October of last year, Steve and Ken did a road trip to Colorado and invited my DH. I really encouraged DH to go, because I was about 7 months pregnant and wanted one last chance to have some time to myself before the baby came. He wouldn't go because I was so far along.

Since that trip, we've invited Steve and Laura and their family to several occasions, and they haven't said a word in return. Laura and the girls were invited to my baby shower; they didn't RSVP, didn't come, etc. The family was invited to my DH's 40th birthday party this month, and they didn't RSVP, didn't come, etc. I had sent out a "Save the date" email and they never responded to that, either. I also invited Ken and a guest to the birthday party; no RSVP, no one came.

I don't know if it's just rudeness on their behalf and not thinking that they actually had to RSVP if not coming, or what. But I really have felt a vibe from Laura that she doesn't like me.

They never responded to emails that we sent out when my son was born, never said "hey congrats!" or made any effort to come see him. A couple of times, we were visiting DH's parents who live near them, and DH called and got Laura and told her we were in town. She always says, "Oh we can't make it, blah blah Steve has to work, or kids have X thing to do, or whatever. But we really need to come up and see the baby sometime soon and go to X restaurant." And they never come up. We call and offer to come visit if we're in town, and they're always busy.

I told DH that I was done with the lot of 'em, that if he wanted to be friends with Steve and Ken, he was welcome to be, but I didn't want anything to do with Laura. Am I overreacting? I guess it's the no-RSVP'ing thing that's pissing me off the most. But I'm definitely feeling like Laura thinks I'm a fuddy-duddy and worthless to be friends with (and I admit, I am a homebody and I don't like the same things she likes, like partying and drinking).

I don't believe they'll ever come and visit. And I'm certainly never going to contact them and tell them that they hurt my feelings by not RSVP'ing for the parties. My DH is aware that I want nothing to do with them. I don't hold anything against Steve - I fully believe that it's his wife who's keeping our invitations from Steve, so that he's not even aware that we've been trying to contact him.

Am I wrong? Or does it sound like what I think it is? I know that families with two kids are busy as heck sometimes, but EVERY time we call, it's the same story. "Sorry, can't, we must come up soon." It always sounds like a brushoff to me.

What would you do? Would you keep trying for the sake of saving your husband's friendship with his best friend? Or let him deal with it on his own and maintain that on his own?

2008-04-25T11:08:00.001-07:00

104 words

Speed test

For the love of all that is holy...

2008-04-24T10:35:00.000-07:00

Two pet peeves that are pissing me off today:

1.) When you are at work, and using the microwave, and you take your item out before it's done running, hit the clear button! Stop leaving the damn thing with 22 seconds still on there. The next person then has to clear it and then they can set it for whatever time THEY want. Lazy sheep.

2.) When you are at a stop sign intersection, and one can turn either left or right, and there is enough room for two cars abreast, leave enough $%*$(%* room for another car to pull up next to you! I have a lovely picture that I whipped up in Photoshop to demonstrate, however Blogger is being a buttface and won't let me post it here.

Whenever we drop off or pick up our son at day care, we get stuck at this intersection. We want to turn right, onto a busy street. The MORONS who are turning left across traffic block both lanes, so that no one who's turning right can get past them to do so. Inconsiderate pricks! How about hanging up the phone and paying attention to things going on around you for a change?

That is all.

I am struggling.

2008-04-17T06:53:00.001-07:00

I'm not posting this because I want sympathy, or because I want people to call me and tell me that everything will be ok. I know that it will - I just need to vent and wallow.

I think I may have some mild PPD going on.

A couple of weeks ago, I had a bad chest cold. Ian had it too and it was a rough couple of weeks. I haven't felt rested since then. I sleep and sleep, and I'm still tired.

Tuesday night/Wednesday morning, Ian woke me up at 3:30 am. Because he's been taking antibiotics, the pooping has been out. of. control. So I had to get up and change him; then he decided that he needed to be fed OMGZ RIGHT NAO!!!1! I gave him 2 oz of formula and got him back to bed. I went back to bed myself, only to lie awake for at least an hour before finally falling back asleep - to be woken up by the alarm an hour later.

Then when I got home, I was trying to make dinner while Jon entertained the D&D gang. Ian wouldn't stop crying, and I needed to pump and shower. The "30 Minute Meal" (my ass!) wasn't going like it should, and I jumped in the shower really quick while it was baking. I got out and it still wasn't finished. So an hour after I'd started cooking, I'd finally finished the "30 Minute Meal" (Rachael Ray, you can kiss my big fat butt). I delivered Jon's dinner to him and then sat down and tried to eat mine, but Ian would. not. shut. up. He just cried and cried. I finally just picked him up, sat down, and bawled right along with him. I'd had it.

Finally Jon came and took Ian so that I could go pump. Then he let me eat my dinner (which was not good - again with the butt-kissing, if you please, Ms. Rachael). The crisis was averted, and Ian and I both crashed by 9 pm.

So I slept from 9 pm until 6 am and I am still a zombie today. I just can't get any rest.

When I do sleep, I have these horrible nightmares. About Jon leaving me for some other chippie who cleans his house and cooks good dinners, or someone's keeping me from my baby. Or, much much worse, are the nightmares about someone hurting or killing my baby. There's lots of blood and it's just the most awful thing. I wake up crying a lot of the time.

Because I've been so tired, my milk supply is starting to go down. Last weekend, I pumped every 2 hours to try to get it to kick back into overdrive, but it didn't work. I'm taking these nasty Fenugreek pills that taste like maple syrup. They don't help.

And then when I try to talk about it to other BFing or pumping women, I get the lecture about how I could do X or take Y supplement and get my supply back up. Listen, people! If I thought those things would work, I would do them! I've reluctantly decided to start supplementing with formula, and it was a difficult decision because I wanted to exclusively BF until at least 6 months. It kills me that I can't.

And the final topper is my horrid coworker who's being a huge butt. She runs hot and cold and one minute she's talking to me and laughing, and the next minute she's glaring at me, slamming her keyboard around and throwing papers, and ignoring me when I speak. She complained that I didn't have enough to do (I'm not sure why that's her business) and told me I'd better ask the manager for more work. Which I did (again), to keep her happy. Then the manager took one of her things to give to me, and she pitched a hairy cat fit about that. You can't win with this woman. Jon thinks she's menopausal. Hmm a PPD new mother and a menopausal witch in the same small office? Recipe for disaster, if you ask me (hopefully not a 30 Minute Meal. God, I hate Rachael Ray).

2008-04-11T08:12:00.000-07:00

Don't bother trying to click in these. I got so damn frustrated trying to paste html that I made jpg's out of them instead.

Ok these ... are all over the place LOL

My score on The Firefly Character Personality Test:
**************************************
SHEPHERD (You scored 60% roughness, 70% intelligence, and 33% isolated!)
" Congratulations, you are Shepherd!!!

Book came aboard the Serenity at Persephone, telling Kaylee he had come from Southdown Abbey and wanted to "walk the world a while." Paying for his passage with real fruit ? a rare thing for the crew ? Book's spiritual nature is a marked contrast to the grittier nature of the crew.
Older and a little wiser than the rest of Serenity's crew, Book is a priest who hopes to spread the word of God throughout the universe.While he has found God, one might say he has perhaps yet to find himself.
There are exceptions, though; there is more to Book than meets the eye, as he possesses intimate knowledge of things outside the purview of most "people of God". As the saying goes... "never judge a Book by its cover".
It is known that he has important ties with the Alliance, but we are always left guessing as to what exactly that connection is.When Mal says he will have to tell him about his connection one day, Shepherd replies "No...I won't".

*************************************
Take it!http://www.okcupid.com/tests/8062259455523967600/Firefly-Character-Personality

2008-04-11T07:11:00.000-07:00

I think I'm sensing a trend towards the bisexual Wiccans... which is ok with me.

What Buffyverse (Angel & Buffy) Character are you most like?
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Willow

Willow. Smart. Resourceful. Understanding. Full of Self-Doubt. Shy. Unstable. Your live has mostly been about relying on your smarts. You parents mostly ignored you, so you had to learn to be resourceful. Magic came along as a boundless frontier that had a unique set of chalanges and rewards. The mystical is one of most compelling things for you. Only love can surmount that. You emotions are a whirlwind of either strength or destruction. The combination of Brains, Magic & Overwhelming Emotions makes you a dangerous, but very interesting person.

Willow

80%

Giles

68%

Anya

65%

Xander

65%

Cordelia

63%

Angel

60%

Harmony

58%

Wesley

55%

Doyle

55%

Buffy

53%

Spike

45%

Faith

43%

40%

Lorne

38%

http://www.okcupid.com/tests/16710424214650504566/Which-Buffy-Character-Are-You
You scored 16%!

You are a witch. Quite a powerful witch as a matter of fact. You're not physically strong but you use your knowledge of the black arts to your advantage, and can be formidable in battle. You're not one to pick fights though. You'll be there when your friends need you, but you'd rather go out for some coffee and chat than battle monsters.

Which Buffy the Vampireslayer character are you?

Tara
Take this quiz!

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http://www.allthetests.com/ -» The Quiz - Solutions

For 50 % you are: You are WILLOW. Cute, geeky, smart, handy with computers and totally unsure which team you should be batting for, but with a dark side that says “don’t mess with me or I’ll flay your skin off and burn you alive!”22.74 % of 1539 Quiz participants had this profile!

If I Could Visit Any City in the World...

2008-04-11T06:55:00.001-07:00

If I could visit any city in the world, where would it be?

I'm not sure if I'm not allowed to choose somewhere where I've already been. Technically, I've been to Bangkok because I was born there, but we left when I was 6 months old. I've also been to Athens because we lived there from 1977-80, but I don't remember since I was born in 75. I've seen pictures, but there's very little that I remember.

I lived in Nicosia, Cyprus from 1992-93, and I'd love to go back, but part of what was so great about Nicosia was my friendships that I had when I was there, and all of the things that we did together. I don't know if it would be as great if I went there again, unless I could bring my husband and son with me. If I could do that, I'd go back there in a heartbeat and show them what a lovely country it is. We'd hit the Limassol wine festival, the nude beach in Larnaca (and giggle at all of the naked pasty tourists), and Rita's on the Rocks in Northern Nicosia (Turkish side).

If it has to be somewhere where I've never been, I think I'd pick Johannesburg, South Africa. I've been to Africa; we lived in Monrovia, Libera from 1980-82, but I haven't been south. I'd love to go on a safari and also explore the city, which I've heard such good things about from my parents. Johannesburg is Africa, but it's also modern and global; there's a lot to do there, or one can go out into the country and experience local culture. I just think it would be more exciting than France or Spain for me. I'm not into shopping or buying things; I just want to experience food, wine, and culture.

If I Were President...

2008-04-11T06:43:00.000-07:00

If I were President of the United States, I would make it illegal for people to discriminate against people who are overweight.

Yes, many a time it is the person's fault for being overweight. Goodness knows that I didn't become overweight through a divine act of God, but through a combination of poor eating choices, not enough exercise, and a hypoactive thyroid.

However, I also believe that genes and metabolism play a big part in whether someone is overweight. My genes aren't so hot, and my metabolism is very sluggish (in part because of the thyroid issue). Also, I have a new baby and I have no time whatsoever to exercise.

At the same time, someone else with a fast metabolism and good genes can eat whatever they want, not exercise, and stay svelte. That's not their fault, any more than my bad genes and poor metabolism are mine. We're just built differently. It's part of what makes humanity diverse - that we're all different.

So I don't think that anyone should discriminate against the overweight or obese. I saw a show on Discovery Health a few months back, and there was a woman who was very athletic and ate very well in college, and a couple of years later she had gained 100+ pounds. She saw specialist after specialist, and they kept telling her that she wasn't eating right or exercising (i.e., they weren't listening to her). Doctors, along with many other people, assume that a fat person must eat nothing but junk and sit on the couch all day. Then she finally found a specialist who diagnosed a tumor on her thyroid. It was removed, and she dropped all of the weight very quickly.

Not everyone is fat because they're lazy.

I've been walking down the street, trying to get exercise while pregnant, for crying out loud, and had a woman scream "Woof!" at me out of her car window. Um, thanks for pointing out how ugly I am? Because I'm fat and waddling along, it's ok to make fun of me? How ... classy.

I think that discriminating against fat people is the last acceptable form of discrimination in our country. The vast majority of us fat people would like to lose weight but have problems, being that it's very difficult to do so. Millions are on diets, buying South Beach foods and reading The Zone. And in advice columns you read about men whose wives have gained weight and they want to leave them because of it, and it's a-ok because men are "visual creatures" and fat is gross. That's not cool, people. As we age, our metabolisms slow down and we gain weight. It's pretty common.

People need to stop making fun of fat people and just stop worrying about being fat themselves. Size 2 women need to stop picking on women who are healthy size 10's. Everyone needs to mind their own business. And no one should ever discriminate against someone who's overweight or obese. In a perfect world.

Creative Writing Blogroll - First Assignment

2008-04-06T08:17:00.001-07:00

Parameters: must use 2 o'clock (am or pm), a man named Dominic, a clock, and a blue car.

Two o'clock, Sunday afternoon
Sweltering summer day
The bees buzz lazily, too full for flight
The tire swings

The boy lays his cheek against the rope
Too hot to move
Blue car pulls into the drive; Mr. Dominic, home from church
The tire swings

The boy's sandal slips from his foot
Falls with a weak "thump"
Mom's clock in the house: bong, bong
The tire swings

The boy wishes he were in school
Boring too, but there's girls
He thinks he can almost smell chalk dust
The tire swings

Sunlight shafts through the leaves above
Cool in the shade
Where's the ice cream man when you need him?
The tire swings.

Blog Scattergories

2008-04-06T08:13:00.000-07:00

Erase my answers, enter yours, and blog it. Use the 1st letter of your name to answer each of the following. They have to be real places, names, things nothing made up! Try to use different answers if the person in front of you had the same 1st initial. You CAN'T use your name for the boy/girl name question.

WHAT IS YOUR NAME? Victoria
4 LETTER WORD: Vile
TV SHOW: Veronica Mars
BOY NAME: Victor
GIRL NAME: Vanessa
OCCUPATION: Veterinarian
SOMETHING YOU WEAR: Vest
FOOD: Veal
SOMETHING FOUND IN A BATHROOM: Vinyl
REASON FOR BEING LATE: Venting to a coworker (ha! lame!)
SOMETHING YOU SHOUT: Voila!

Elevators

2008-04-03T14:33:00.000-07:00

Elevators provide many of my personal pet peeves, me being a bear of little brain.

Why is it that some people, when they step onto an elevator, no matter how full the car is already, will shimmy their hips backwards, making people part like the Red Sea, so that they can have their back against the wall of the car? Why can't people just stand in the middle of the car if there's already people lining the walls? I understand wanting to be out of the way of people getting on or off, but if there are already people there, why invade their personal space even further by insisting on having your back to the wall?

And how come people don't seem to grasp that most office buildings with elevators will mark the ground floor button with an asterisk or a star? My building does this, as does every other one I've ever been in. At least twice a day, I get on the elevator and see someone all by himself, with the "1" button brightly lit. Except that the first floor isn't the street level in my building; we have a skywalk below the 1st floor, then the lobby, which is the street level. Barring the word "lobby," which one would think would denote the street level, the "Lobby" has a big ol' star next to it. Therewith lies the street level, peon! Payeth attention!

I don't like people who think that the elevator doors will close faster if they push a button that's already pushed. So they push "2" and then the 'vator stops on "1" to let someone on or off. They then push "2" again to "make" the doors close faster. The elevator isn't fooled, y'all. It's in no hurry. And I personally feel a teeny tiny iota of irritation that Soandso thought I was taking up HIS busy time by getting off on a different floor than he, and must demonstrate his hurriedness by pushing buttons to make the doors close .00003528th of a second faster.

And this will probably make people think less of me: if I see someone near the elevator, heading towards it, I will certainly hold the door for him/her. If the person is all the way down the hall? Nope, sorry. I get sick of people screeching, "Hold the elevator!!!" as they come running full tilt. One of us is going to be selfish: you want to be selfish and not wait for an elevator, but make me wait for you; I want to be selfish and carry on to my destination, thereby making you wait for the next one. One of us will win and one of us will lose. The person holding the elevator loses. Sometimes I choose to win. Another elevator will be along in 17 seconds. You can wait. And no, I don't get irritated if someone sees me coming, but I'm far away, and they don't wait.

Elevators. Jeez.

Phobias

2008-04-02T09:36:00.000-07:00

Blogroll assignment: Blog about your personal phobia.

I actually have two. I'm afraid of bees, wasps, and other stinging insects. I won't go out in the backyard if there's one around. I draw up my legs and whine if one comes near me on the deck.

My main phobia, though, is the ocean.

When I was about 5, we lived in Monrovia, Liberia, which is on the west coast of Africa. My parents took my sister and I to the beach.

All I remember is that I was floating on the ocean placidly, in my inner tube, and then suddenly I couldn't see the beach. Water as far as the eye could see. Apparently, the undertow had taken me out past the safe limit.

For a 5 year old, that's pretty freaking scary.

My dad rescued me. I don't remember him doing it; I just remember being out there (seemingly) all alone. But I'm here to tell the tale, so I guess it's all good.

Then, when I was about 24 or 25, I almost drowned. This time, it was in the lake at my parents' house here in Iowa. They had a boat dock and had invited my dad's family up for a day at the lake. We were all horsing around on the dock, and my younger cousin pushed me in at the end. I made a big show of "whoooooa!" and flailing my arms all around, before I plunged in.

I came up underneath the dock. All I remember is a huge "THUNK" in my ears and my face felt like it was on fire. I had my contacts in, so I couldn't open my eyes or they'd get washed away. I slitted them open finally, and found the light and swam towards it. My grandmother says she never saw my dad move so fast as when I came up with blood streaming down my face from my broken nose.

I had the nose problem, which caused two black eyes, plus a concussion. My stepmother says that I was very lucky that I didn't put out an eye; apparently, there were a lot of rusty nails poking down from underneath that dock.

Ever since then, I won't swim in the lake, at all. I'll fish off of the dock, but that's it.

I don't like the ocean or any large body of water. Boats are unstable and, therefore, scare the living daylights out of me. When we went to Illinois to visit my then-boyfriend's brother and his wife, they took us out on their speedboat on the Fox River. I thought I was going to die. I started shaking and crying. Of course, my boyfriend (now husband) didn't know about my phobia - and I live in the landlocked state of Iowa so I didn't really know how bad it had gotten - so he hadn't told his brother that we should skip the boat ride. Finally, they docked the boat and I was able to get off.

I suspect it was the near-drowning that led to my phobia, rather than the incident in Africa. They were both pretty scary, though. So I guess my phobia has some basis from experience.

Worst Hotel Experience

2008-04-01T11:19:00.001-07:00

Blogroll assignment: Blog about your worst hotel experience

My worst one was definitely the Smallville Inn in Smallville, Iowa. The name of the hotel/town isn't really Smallville, but it is a small town and, therefore, one could conceivably figure out who I am and where my family lives, if I give too much information.

Okay! In October of 2006, DH and I got married. He is from Smallville; I'm from back East, so I didn't have a preference or an idea of where to go. He suggested that we get married in his family's church in Smallville, and we could have the wedding guests from out of town stay at the Smallville Inn. He said he'd worked there as a teenager and it was a decent place.

Well, it's apparently gone downhill.

The one thing I will say is that they were very accomodating to me when I was reserving the rooms 6 months before the date. I kept calling to set up one more room, one more room.

Of course, as always seems to be the case with weddings and RSVP's, one of my guests didn't RSVP in time and then called me a week before the wedding and asked me to find him a room. Now, Smallville has recently had a tourist attraction added, and the weekend that we got married was the inaugural opening weekend for said attraction. There weren't any more rooms. However, because I'd worked so well with the guy at the Smallville Inn, he said he could give me one more room. Stellar! Book it, Dan-O!

We arrived in Smallville the day before the wedding (it is an hour and a half from where we live). The Inn is an absolute dump. It's definitely gone downhill since my DH worked there 20 years ago. I used the restroom by the front desk, and I totally hovered. There were cigarette butts in the corners.

My family and friends were all driving in. I'd made welcome baskets with local wine and fruit and chocolates, and wanted to leave them in the rooms. The front desk clerk gave us all of the door cards, and I left the baskets in the rooms. Eventually all of my friends & family arrived, so I passed out the door cards. The one card left was for the guest who'd waited until the last minute and then asked me to get him a room. We had to go to the church for the rehearsal, so I left the card at the front desk. I told the desk clerk that it was for "Mike and Sandy Smith" and when they arrived, to please just give them the card and they'd find their room.

So I was walking down the aisle at the rehearsal in the church, and my cell phone started ringing. I tossed it at my sister and kept walking. She told me that it was Late Guest, and he was at the hotel, and they were saying they didn't have any rooms. Eh? I called the hotel and he said, "ohh Mike and Sandy! I was looking for Mandy! Ok he is here, I shall give it to him." ... Ok thanks. Problem solved!

The rooms were ok, when we delivered all of the baskets. But then we saw OUR room. It was, "the bridal suite." Ok, people. We totally should have taken pictures.

Ashton Kutcher is from Homestead, Iowa, which is about an hour away from Smallville. So we dubbed our room "The Ashton Kutcher That 70's Show Memorial Suite."

The walls were dark brown cork. CORK!! In the bathroom, the walls were dark brown PLAID. The carpet was blue and continued up the side of the wet bar. Apparently some fun had been had, because the bar's sides were covered in dripped stains. I didn't look too closely.

The bed was a Murphy bed, that you lifted up into the wall when you weren't using it. I have no idea why; the room was quite large, and would have easily fit a king size bed with room to spare. The bed was lumpy and the mattress was obviously very old. I'm sure there were bedbugs.

There was absolutely no way that I was consummating my marriage on that bed. We slept gingerly on the top of the covers. We waited until we got to the B&B in New Hampshire the day after the wedding.

That's my story :) Icky hotel! Bad!

I'm a terrible, terrible mommy

2008-04-01T10:59:00.001-07:00

I just gave my baby a tiny bit of baby Benadryl to help him sleep, in the middle of the day.

I've been back at work for about 3 weeks now. The routine has been working out very well.

Unfortunately, today the shit has completely hit the fan. I've bawled my eyes out several times already today.

I have a project where the client is supposed to get files to me by Monday at 1 my time. I'm supposed to have the project complete each week by 11 am on Tuesday. Today, the client didn't get the files to me until 8 am today. So I was supposed to get a day's worth of work done in 3 hours.

When I told my manager (who works off site - we communicate via email and IM), she said, "Ok just keep me informed on your status. Thanks for being flexible. Oh by the way, can you switch over X and Y while you're doing those parts of the project?" X and Y were an hour's worth of work in themselves, and they had to be done before I could finish the project.

My officemate - I'll call her Annie - said that she would help me with the project, because I was starting to really stress out.

Now, here's where my baby comes in. On Saturday, we took him to my parents' house and he had an allergic reaction to something up there. Watery eyes, runny nose, and very fussy. He slowly recovered on Sunday, but for the past two days he's had a cough. I called the doctor this morning and they said because he's under 4 months old, they want to see him. I made an appointment for 11:40 am. I figured if I could get the project done by 11, I could run and take him to his appt and then make it back to do the other work that's on my plate.

At 10:30, about 10 minutes before I was going to leave to get the baby, my computer started having issues. I just started bawling. I was trying so hard to get it all done and I really could have used that last 10 minutes and then the computer went *splat* and it was too much for me to handle. I started crying and saying that they gave me one thing to do and I obviously couldn't do it, and I suck, and I should just quit. Annie didn't say anything, so I felt like she agreed that I should quit. That's probably not right, but that's the way it felt.

I took Baby to the doc and he said it's a cold and prescribed some Benadryl. He said to give it to him before bed and it would make him sleepy.

I got back to work and found out that my manager has been chewing Annie's ass about my work, why isn't it done, etc. Which made me feel absolutely horrible, because Annie was helping me. Annie is now pissed off at me for putting her in that situation. It wasn't really me that did it - it was the client for not sticking to their deadline and making us so behind, and my manager for not telling the client "too bad, so sad - you didn't send it to us in time."

I thanked Annie for her help, and apologized for everything. I brought the baby back to my office because it would have taken 45+ minutes to take him back to day care and get back to work, versus 10 minutes from the doctor's office to my office. I'd already been gone an hour and a half. I could have taken him home and worked from home for the rest of the day, but I felt like I don't deserve special treatment (being able to work from home) just because I have a baby. We have a very relaxed/casual work environment, and he's always been such a good baby before and never bothered anyone. But he's sick today, and therefore crabby.

When I got back with the baby, he was fussy and crying profusely. I kept sticking the bottle in his mouth to shut him up; he'd eat for a while then stop; I'd take the bottle out; he'd cry again. It was maddening trying to keep him quiet while trying to work with one hand.

My husband (who works in the same building as I do, but different companies) went to the drugstore and got the Benadryl and also the prescription cream for the cradle cap that Baby has (joy). I gave Baby some Benadryl to make him sleep so that he wouldn't bother my coworkers :(

I know I should take him home - I KNOW I should. But I'm really trying not to piss anyone off here because I love my job and my coworkers are awesome. I asked them all if they minded if I brought him here after his appointment and they all said no. But then, I didn't realize he was going to fuss and cry when he never did before.

Anyway. He's sleeping and I can work now. I hope he stays asleep until it's time to go home, but I'm not counting on it.

I hope I haven't done any irreparable damage to my relationships with my coworkers. I really talked them up to my manager and said they really pulled together to get it done for the client. I've apologized and thanked them all. Dunno what else I can do :(

I really need to work on dealing with stress better. It's been so long since I had a stressful day at work that I don't remember how I used to deal with it. It's nice to have a blog where I can post cathartically.

Such a deprived childhood...

2008-03-25T10:47:00.000-07:00

1. How old were you in 1980? 5
2. How old were you in 1989? 14
3. Were you a Toys R' Us kid? no, my parents never bought me shit
4. Did you watch Transformers? no
5. Did you see E.T. on the big screen? no!
6. Did you own a Lite Bright? no, my parents never bought me shit
7. Who is your Favorite Golden Girl? Blanche is a badass
8. When someone says " Who you gonna call? " You think: Ghostbusters, of course.
9. What was your favorite toy? My Little Pony and Breyer model horses
10. Did you have a Pogo Ball? no, my parents never bought me shit
11. Did you listen to New Kids on the Block? Absolutely
12. Which New Kid was your favorite? Donnie.
13. Did you play M.A.S.H? no :(
14. Did you watch The Care Bears? no
15. Did you have Jelly bracelets? no, my parents never bought me shit
16. Did you have a charm necklace and/or bracelet? no, my parents never bought me shit
17. Did you own a glo-worm? no, my parents never bought me shit
18. Did you ever own a slap bracelet? no, my parents never bought me shit
19. The Breakfast Club or Sixteen Candles? Breakfast Club!
20. Did you have a crazy hair style? bumper bangs
21. What was your first bike? yellow and white with a banana seat and handlebar streamers
22. Name one thing you still own from your childhood? a little wooden painted horse that I got for my 5th birthday in Africa
23. Did you have a Cabbage Patch Kid? no, my parents never bought me shit
24. Did you dress like Madonna? no
25. Rainbow Brite or Strawberry Shortcake? neither!
26. Did you watch Miami Vice? no
27. Did you own a pair of Jelly Shoes? no, my parents never bought me shit
28. Did you own a Trapper Keeper? that one I had - so I guess my parents did buy me one thing that was shit
29. Atari or Nintendo? Atari!
30. Did you play Pac Man? once or twice
31. Which was better: Jem and The Holograms or Barbie and The Rockers!? Jem I guess. It's the only one I ever watched.
32. He-Man or She-Ra? He-Man
33. What movie scared you the most? An American Werewolf in London
34. Did you try to dance like Michael Jackson? no way
35. What Is The First Thing That Comes To Mind When You Hear "FLUX"? Aeon Flux from MTV Liquid Television
36. What other colors did Pepsi come in? Which is best? No idea
37. Roger Rabbit Or Howard The Duck? Never saw Howard the Duck: lame.
38. Did you ever beg your parents to have your school picture taken with the "Laser" background? no, my parents never bought me shit
39. Do you know what the Ninja Rap is? no, and I probably don't want to know
40. Do you know why people cringe when they hear the word BUCKNER? um, no
41. Can you name the family members from National Lampoons Vacation movies? never saw one, so that's a no
42. Wally World or Europe? Eh?
43. What was your favorite movie from the 80's? Young Guns, baby!
44. Who puts Baby in the corner? Appparently Lenny Briscoe did.

Bwahaha!!

2008-03-25T10:44:00.000-07:00

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Ouch!

2008-03-25T10:03:00.001-07:00

Check out this picture of Renee Zellweger from the Daily Mail website.

Holy crap, that looks like it hurt. Is she even wearing any makeup? I want to go put on some moisturizer just because I can.

What I Love About Myself

2008-03-25T09:48:00.001-07:00

Blogroll assignment: What do you love about yourself?

It's hard for me to talk about self-love, mostly because I've spent so much time in my life wallowing in self-pity and low self esteem.

I'm a great wife and an even better mommy. I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful baby who is the best kid anyone could ever ask for.

I'm a fantastic digital artist and a pretty good writer (if I do say so myself).

I'm a really loyal friend - you have to be literally stabbing me in the back, giggling with malice, before I'll reluctantly decide that maybe I shouldn't like you. Even with that, though, I don't have many friends. I've never been able to figure out why folks don't want to be friends with me, beyond the usual "how do you do" type of acquaintance.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm too smart for my own good. I think it turns off some people. Sometimes I say really dumb shit too though. Maybe I'm only smart some of the time? I'd say I've got lots of book smarts, and not so much street smarts. I wouldn't know where to buy a dime bag of weed, if my life depended on it.

I have two beautiful kitty cats who were the darlings of my life before my son came along. I think they miss that a little bit. Most of the time, though, they appreciate being left alone to sleep and cuddle with each other.

I have a great life. Our credit rating is fantastic; we have money in savings; we own our own home. We both have good jobs that we enjoy. We've got two cars, a big-screen tv, and we can take a nice vacation whenever we want. That doesn't sound like much, in fact it sounds pretty boring, but I think it's awesome. One of my friends is always surrounded by drama and stress; I'd much rather have my nice, lovely little low-stress life.

Life is pretty good, which is what I love the most about me.

My Strangest Vacation

2008-03-25T09:38:00.001-07:00

Blogroll assignment: Blog about your strangest vacation

Here's a pic of the strangest vacation spot I ever visited. That's me on the left and my friend Jessica on the right.

Seriously. That's Elvis. Must be Memphis, right?

Noooo, that's right outside Jerusalem. I'm serious!

I was living in Cyprus from 1992-1993, and for my eighteenth birthday my parents bought me a cruise to Israel, which was only a hop, skip and a jump away. My friend Jessica and her mom were going too; the whole thing cost maybe $100. Such a deal!

So we took the cruise and docked in Haifa, Israel. We all loaded onto a bus and headed for Jerusalem. This Elvis statue is on the road from Haifa, at a truck stop where we paused for potty breaks and such. Elvis. In Israel. It still blows my mind, 15+ years later.

That was a pretty good trip. The only bad thing about it was that we were with the American Ambassador's wife, and she wanted to shop for nativity scenes, and we were supposed to babysit her. So she was shopping, and shopping, and shopping some more, and eventually we realized that the tour group had abandoned us. We had to haul ass through the old city and try to meet up with them at the Wailing Wall so that we could catch the bus back to the ship.

I also have a big regret - this street vendor kid was trying to sell me a walking staff with a cobra head on it. It was badass. Unfortunately he wanted too many sheckles for it and I didn't want to pay more than about $20, and the Ambassador's wife was leaving so I had to abandon the haggling. I still wish I'd bought that thing.

Damned if ya do, Damned if ya don't...

2008-03-24T16:15:00.000-07:00

http://www.kcrg.com/news/local/16950976.html

Today, 20 minutes south of where I live, a man murdered his wife and four children, all of whom were adopted from Korea.

Apparently, he was caught embezzling funds from his job at a local bank. So the obvious choice of what to do, of course, is to murder one's family and flee. No-brainer, that.

His van was found crashed in I-80, engulfed in flames so hot that the body, so far, can't be identified. Anyone smell a John Grisham thriller here? 10 to 1 he faked his death. An anonymous phone call to 911 directed police to the house where his murdered wife and children were, at the same time as his van was conveniently crashing and burning on the highway.

What really burns my ass, though, is this: the University of Iowa sent out an alert via email to its students and faculty, telling everyone that there was an "active shooter" in Iowa City, and that they should stay put and not go outside, and if they see his van to call police, etc.

The police lines were then so bogged down by parents and students calling the police just to find out what was going on, that they were absolutely locked up and no one could get through.

When did we become so entitled to have all of the information that we want, when we want it, that we can't be told, "Shooter around, keep your head down!" and duck and cover and wait to be told that all is clear? Why do people need to know OMGZ RIGHT NOWWWWWWZ! what's going on? Those students and parents weren't entitled to know all of the details. Damn, if someone told me, "There's an active shooter near your location, hang tight and watch TV to get the details," you can bet I'll be hanging tight and waiting to be told that he'd been caught. I wouldn't be calling the cops and begging to know what's going on. What is WRONG with those people?!?

I blame the media in giving people this idea that they have a right to know every detail of every news story the instant that it hits. We don't need to know that our troops will be moving en masse into Baghdad's northeastern sector at 5 am tomorrow. The enemy will be happy to hear of it, I'm sure. Do they think that Iraqis don't get Fox News? My ass. I don't need to know exact troop movements, and I definitely think that some details about the war need to be kept under lock and key - no, I as a member of John Q. Public do NOT need to know about everything going on over there.

Likewise when there's a dangerous situation outside my front door. If the university hadn't told the students/faculty that there was a possible shooter, and something had happened and a student was hurt or killed, there would be a lawsuit lickety split and the university would be at fault. So, doing the right thing, they sent out a warning. And it bit them in the ass big time. I'm glad I'm not on the committee that sends out those warnings.

Dear Diary, I am Bored...

2008-03-24T10:36:00.000-07:00

You Are A Lily

You are a nurturer and all around natural therapist.

People see you as their rock. And they are able to depend on you.

You are a soothing influence. You can make people feel better with a few words.

Your caring has more of an impact than even you realize.

What Flower Are You?

Your Celebrity Style Twin is Kirsten Dunst

More hippie chic than hippie chick.

Who's Your Celebrity Style Sister?

59% Geek

New book find ~ Buffy lit

2008-03-24T09:25:00.000-07:00

I am a purveyor of what I call "Buffy lit," i.e. books about female demon/vampire hunters. I recently found a really good series and am posting it here, in case anyone reading has a similar affinity for the subject matter.

The first book is called "Dead Witch Walking; the author is Kim Harrison.

There's witches, vampires, pixies, fairies, werewolves & werefoxes, and more. I haven't finished the book yet, but am heartily enjoying it. The writing is very good, although there's a few typos and that irritates me. It's not too deep with the folklore, although the writer has created a lot of lore herself, which is all very good.

I very much recommend this book if you like that sort of thing.

My coworkers are pissing me off...

2008-03-24T08:59:00.000-07:00

I work for a vendor management company. My office used to be about 25 people, no administrative assistant. We had a team lead who ordered office supplies, etc.

I was laid off from that job on Jan 8th of this year, when I was on maternity leave. We were all laid off; the parent company went bankrupt.

Another company bought my old company as it sat on the bankruptcy chopping block. The new company offered me my old job back, and I snatched it up. I asked if I could do the Administrative Assistant role, secretly because if this job doesn't work out (as I am still a little gunshy from the layoff), at least I'll have some experience as an Admin to put on my resume. Good move, hey?

There's several reasons why I'm a good choice for Admin. For one thing, I'm the most technically savvy employee here; I can set up a PC and run cables. For another thing, my kid is small enough that I could just tote him around when I was running around getting vendors set up. I also didn't have any clients right away, and the other ladies did; they worked from home while I ran around setting up the office. I'm also financially stable enough to lay out some funds for the office setup, and be reimbursed - two of the other ladies were living paycheck-to-paycheck from being laid off, and they couldn't afford to put forth any money for setup.

I busted my ass to get this new office up and running. Our new parent company (I'll call it Bejeezus) is based in Florida, so they opened up a new satellite office in my town that's just me and five other women from our old office; the rest of my former coworkers had already found new employment by the time Bejeezus started making job offers.

In the weeks before the office opened, I gallavanted all over town. I purchased office furniture and supervised the setup of it, which took an entire day. I arranged to have printers and laptops sent from the home office. I set up the network printers on everyone's computer, so that everyone could print (and without a printer manual, I might add). I arranged for a water cooler to be installed, as we don't have a sink or any way to get drinking water. I arranged for (and purchased with my own money and sent in an expense report) parking passes for everyone, so we'd all have passes on the first day we were open. I bought office supplies with my own money, and the company reimbursed me. In all, I put forth $750 of my own money and will be paid back.

So I'm the Admin of this office, as well as my regular job responsibilities as an account manager. There are five other women and you'd think they'd be happy to let me do the humdrum office maintenance stuff, right?

Wrong.

Two of the other women are control freaks. They absolutely cannot let it go for me to take care of this shit.

For one thing, we have an old clunker of a vacuum - it's a Kirby Generation 3. I do all of my ordering online; I don't have time to run around town buying crap for the office, unless it's needed ASAP. We have lots of schmutz on the floor because we were unpacking equipment and such. On March 7th, I ordered some vacuum bags online because the local stores don't carry the bags for our old machine. There's been a mixup and the bags didn't get delivered, so they went back to the shipping company, and they reshipped them to me on March 17th. In short, I'm taking care of it, dammit.

But no. We don't have any vacuum bags, oh noz! We must vacuum! Oh noz! Seriously - who gives a shit. It's not like we're wallowing in garbage. Our floors have some white packing material shreds in places. As soon as we get the bags (I'm hoping today), I'll vacuum. It's not a big friggin' deal, ladies.

So one of the control freak women asks me about the damn vacuum bags every. single. day. She told me today that she's going to run out and get bags on her lunch break. Um, they don't have any at the vacuum store. I called and asked. Why can't you just let me take care of it?

Another example: we have our phone service through a telecommunications company that's here in our building. Last Thursday we were all happily working and our internet went down. So we couldn't work (our service is done through our website, so we have to have internet service), and we couldn't make any phone calls because the phones were down too.

Being a rational human being, I decided to wait about 10 minutes and see if the phone lines would come back up. After 10 minutes, I called and asked the telecom guy if he could please take a look.

His response? "I already got a call from H and J about it, thanks."

Dammit, people! I'm the Admin! Let me do my job! Apparently the very instant the phone lines went down, both of those women jumped on their cells and called him. Give it a minute! Phone lines go down on occasion; let them work on it and get them back up. Constantly calling and haranguing them is not helping them get it done any sooner!

Then today, my office mate told me that her phone still wasn't working and would I please call them again and see if they can fix it. I called the telecom guy and left him a nice polite message. Then J pops her head in and tells us that she's going up to talk to him because my officemate's phone is down. I'm told her that I'd already left him a message. She said, "Oh it's ok, I'll just run up there."

...

Ok seriously? You need to stop bothering the man. He's aware of it, he's working on it. Yes, my officemate cannot use her phone. If she needs to make a call, she has her cell, or she can use my phone. It's not the end of the friggin' world.

H, the other control freak, needs a new laptop. She told me about it and I said I'd work on getting her a new one sent from the home office. I called around to our tech guys and everyone, literally everyone that I spoke to said they'd already been called by her. Um, why did you ask me to get you a laptop and then proceed to call everyone yourself?

Now granted, we didn't have an admin before in our larger office, so everyone's used to just hopping on the phone when there's a problem. But they're all aware that that's part of my job responsibility now. They just can't let it go. Just do your jobs, ladies, and let me worry about it!

It's just very frustrating for me because I feel like an ass when I call someone and they say, "Yeah, Soandso already called me." It's annoying for them, I'm sure, to be called about the same thing over and over again.

I'd like to remind everyone to just let me do this shit, but I'm not sure how to do it politely without coming across as whining about being Super Duper Admin or something. I'll probably just grin and bear it. But it sure is annoying.

Passing out at the feet of the Easter Bunny...

2008-03-24T07:24:00.001-07:00

Last Friday was Good Friday and, although I don't particularly celebrate Easter, my boss said that I could work from home and I said, quote, "Hell yes!"

So, of course, instead of working from home, I went grocery shopping with Bug. I was planning on getting the week's fud, getting my nails done, and having my two most recent rolls of film developed. I was planning on being gone an hour and a half, max.

I got to Walmart around 9:30 am (damn that kid, getting me up at the crack of dawn, wtf is up with that?!?) and the nail salon didn't open until 10. Sigh. So I went back to the photo lab and turned in my film for 1-hour processing. While I was filling out my slips, the lady was running around answering the phone, which was ringing off the hook. She said to me, "Everyone's calling to find out when the Easter bunny is coming." I said, my ears perked up, "Oh? When *is* he coming?" She said, "10, so in just a little while." Sweet! I told her I'd be back around 10:30 when my film was ready, and I'd partake of the Easter bunniness, because I have a child and he is the ubercute.

I did my fud shopping, purposely not getting anything frozen (which turned out to be a really good thing). I paid for my groceries and looked into the nail salon. Of course, all of the women who don't have jobs all go to the Walmart nail salon at precisely the crack of 10 am on Fridays. I.e., they were busy. I thought about taking my groceries out to the car and getting the stroller, which in hindsight, I totally should have done. But, it was cold and windy out and I didn't want to subject Bug to that. So I wandered over to the film area. It was about 10:15 and the Bunny should be out in full force, right?

I got there and, no Bunny. There was a backdrop set up and a stool, but no rabbity goodness. So, thinking that the Bunny was just getting ready or something, I decided to wait. The film gal gave me my picture CD's, so I entertained myself by looking at my pictures on the film kiosk and printing out the ones I wanted. That ate up about 10 minutes.

10:30, no Bunny. My feet were starting to hurt. Luckily, Bug being full of win as he is, he slept the entire time.

I asked the film gals what was up. They told me that the person who was scheduled to wear the Bunny costume was a no-show with no call. They were desperately trying to find someone else to wear the suit. I thought that was pretty cool of them, so I said I'd wait.

There were some other parents wandering around - they'd stop and peer into the area to look for the Bunny, but then they'd wander off and shop some more. Since I'd already done my shopping, though, I had nothing better to do. I went and checked the nail salon - still busy. Dammit.

Around 11:10, the Bunny arrived. Apparently, they'd waylaid a hapless store clerk and forced him at knifepoint into the suit. I was the first in line, so we woke Bug up, plopped him into the arms of the Bunny, and the film gal took the picture. Success! He even looks like he's waving in the picture:

They even gave me a free 5x7 picture! Which was very cool - except that it took her at least 20 minutes to print it out for me. They were using a digital camera, and she was trying to download the pictures onto a computer in order to put the dumb border on it (which would take me, maximum, 3.7 minutes), and she kept being distracted by other parents. So she had to run out there to take a picture, then come back and try to get it on the computer, then run back out to take another one. They weren't very well prepared.

I finally had to ask for a chair because I was in so much pain. I was really sweaty and shaky. I thought it was because I hadn't eaten breakfast yet, but I'd bought and drank a Pepsi with my groceries. I also dug a Pop Tart out of my purse (I'm sure they thought I stole the thing) and ate that. The shakes continued.

They were really nice about it, though, and they brought me a chair so I could wait for the picture to be printed out. They're just lucky that I didn't pass out at the Bunny's furry feet.

In short, I finally got out of there at 11:30 and home by noon. So I had to keep my work computer on until 7 pm so that I put in a full 8 hours.

It wasn't anyone's fault, it was just a sucky experience.

I was so worried about the sweating and shaking that I went to the OB and had a pregnancy test done (there are other factors that led me to believe that it could possibly be that), but it was negative. I still don't know why I felt so crappy.

My new blog

2008-03-24T07:17:00.000-07:00

This blog is for my non-baby-related (mostly) rantings and stories. Enjoy!